


Reasons Why

by Zebracorr



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Journal, M/M, Self Harm, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-06-08 12:09:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6854089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zebracorr/pseuds/Zebracorr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reason 1- Music</p>
<p>This could be very triggering. </p>
<p>Self harm and inability to live.</p>
<p>I am  very bad at describtions but this is the reasons why Dan Howell should live. He wakes up every night from nightmares and to stop from hurting himself he writes down a reason to live that day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Before I start this story I want you to know if any of you find this triggering please call the number according to where you live. There is thought of suicide. I hope none of you think this of yourself please you are gorgeous. This is not a joke please get help.

United States

1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE)

Online Chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx

Spanish: 1-800-SUICIDA

1-800-273-8255

Veterans 1-800-273-8255 Press 1

EU Standard Emotional Support Number 116 123 - Free and available in much of Europe, details here

Australia

13 11 14

https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat

Austria

142, Youth 147 Online: http://www.onlineberatung-telefonseelsorge.at

Belgium

02 649 95 55

Brasil

141

Canada

Kids Help Line (Under 18): 1-800-668-6868

Alberta: 1-866-594-0533

British Columbia: 1-888-353-2273

Manitoba: 1-888-322-3019

New Brunswick: 1-800-667-5005

Newfoundland & Labrador: 1-888-737-4668

Northwest Territories: 1-800-661-0844 7pm-11pm everyday

Nova Scotia: 1-888-429-8167

Nunavut: (867) 982-0123

Ontario: 1 800 452 0688

Prince Edward Island: 1-800-218-2885 (Bilingual)

Quebec: 1-866-277-3553 or 418-683-4588

Saskatchewan: (306) 933-6200

Deutschland

0800 1110 111

Denmark

70 20 12 01

www.livslinien.dk

www.Skrivdet.dk

France

01 40 09 15 22

 Greece

1018 or 801 801 99 99

Greece - http://www.suicide-help.gr/

Iceland

1717

India

91-44-2464005 0

022-27546669

Iran

1480 6am to 9pm everyday

Ireland

ROI - local rate: 1850 60 90 90

ROI - minicom: 1850 60 90 91

Israel

1201

Italia

800 86 00 22

Malta

179

Japan

03-3264-4343

3 5286 9090

Korea

LifeLine 1588-9191

Suicide Prevention Hotline 1577-0199

http://www.lifeline.or.kr/

Mexico

Saptel 01-800-472-7835

Netherlands

0900 1130113

www.113online.nl

New Zealand

0800 543 354 Outside Auckland

09 5222 999 Inside Auckland

Norway

Kirkens SOS offers phone support and chat: 22 40 00 40 and http://www.kirkens-sos.no/

Osterreich/Austria

116 123

Romania

116 123

Serbia

0800 300 303 or 021 6623 393

Online chat:http://www.centarsrce.org/index.php/kontakt[2]

South Africa

LifeLine 0861 322 322

Suicide Crisis Line 0800 567 567

Spain

http://www.telefonodelaesperanza.org/

Suomi/Finland

010 195 202 available 9am-7am weekdays and 3pm-7am weekends

112, the regular emergency line, may be used at other times

Sverige/Sweden

020 22 00 60

Switzerland

143

UK

08457 90 90 90 (24hrs)

0800 58 58 58 (open 5pm to midnight nationwide)

0808 802 58 58 (Open 5pm to midnight London)

text

07725909090 (24hs)

07537 404717 (5pm to midnight)

emailjo@samaritans.org

www.samaritans.org

http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/suicide.php

CALM - online chatting for those in the UK.

ChildLine (Free for any #, does not show up on billing) 0800-11-11

childline.org.uk

Uruguay

Landlines 0800 84 83 (7pm to 11 pm)

(FREE) 2400 84 83 (24/7)

Cell phone lines 095 738 483 *8483

 

Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines

Please let me know if I missed one.

Please get help if you need it.


	2. Reason 1

_**Music** - I know this may sound stupid, but the reason I live is because music. It has been there since the beginning. It shows me my life is important. At least for the time being. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get to go to a concert with just Phil and I. I really love him, but I don't think he loves me. In fact he is mad at me right now. I don't know why probably just because I haven't been speaking much. That's why I started this list because it was getting harder to live and this gives me a reason to live at least for today. I can tell you one thing music is there when I fall apart and can't seem to get back up. As sad and pathetic as it is music is what kept me going when I was 14 and apparently now too. It just makes life a little easier to live for awhile until I have to go back to life. Sometimes it doesn't feel like living more like surviving. Right now the only thing that keeps me going is music. At least music isn't homophobic assholes that like to call themselves my parents. Yeah that's right i'm gay and my parents seem to not know how to accept me. I guess I can't blame them I am a disappointment and the world would probably be better off without me, but I guess I am going to live another day and see how the world takes it. I bet Phil and I will get in another fight, my parents will ignore me, and all the fans will yell at me to make another video. Sometimes it's hard to make a video when you don't feel like yourself and everything feels so close and distant at the same time. I'll probably go another day sitting in my room while the world goes on because I don't matter as much as I wish I did. Well I guess this is goodbye until my next sleepless night. _

_Dan Howell_


	3. Reason 2

_**The Night** \- I may hate being alone and the dark, but the night is an old friend that I can't help but appreciate. I love it.  Being an insomniac really shows me what wonderful things happen at night weather it be the gorgeous lights or the people that are outside. I get that the night isn't that important and would keep going if I were to die, but it is something that I love and seems to be there when I am alone. I love the nights when London is asleep and I can walk outside with little disturbance and my music up as loud or quiet as I want. The world isn't so ugly when it's asleep. Sometimes when I can't sleep or leave the house I will sit by my window and drink tea until the early mornings or until Phil is awake. The beginning of the night is amazing too. It brings me joy knowing somewhere out there someone is having a better day then me or someone just started their life again. I love it. The amazing lights that don't judge anyone it really brings reassurance to me that someone out there will like me someday and be that light to me. Staying up so late is starting to take a toll on me though. Things seem louder and farther away. I am also starting to enjoy the company of the moon instead of the sun and Phil. He is always mad at me and most of the time I don't know why. I may love Phil, but this whole living thing is getting harder with everyday so I guess this is the reason I live today. I hope everything is okay today. The night will hopefully welcome me with open arms tonight otherwise I don't know what I'll do. _

 

 

_Dan Howell_


	4. Reason 3

_**Rainy Days** \-  The beauty of rainy days is there is a reason to stay inside. I personally hate going outside unless I have to or it is a day where everything is drenched in rain and water. London is amazing when it is raining. The rain will hide the tears that fall down my face when I think about me and my life. Rain is the only thing that makes sleeping a possibility. Thunderstorms are also nice because I can blame the intense crying that storms bring on because I'm scared, but really my world is crashing. Most of it is my fault. Not Phil's or my parents. I think Phil is thinking of moving out. I really don't blame him. I am a mess that never does his job or clean the house. He told me today he wasn't mad at me and  that he understands, which is impossible. I am hideous and fat. No one could like me. I want to leave this Phil alone, but I'm a selfish asshole and want to keep him to myself. I feel really bad about it though. Sometimes I think about leaving, but he always seems to find a reason I need to stay. I honestly love him. I'm so stupid to think that he would want me. I really can't that storms enough for letting me cuddle with him. I am "scared" of storms and he lets me cuddle with him because it seems to be the only thing that "calms" me down. I also love to walk the streets when it is raining because then no one asks me question about my face being wet and my hood up. I love the rain because it feels like it is washing away all of my problems, but that just me. So I decided today the reason I am living is because of the tears and the screaming of the clouds. If that wasn't clear then rainy days are the reason. _

 

_Dan Howell_


	5. Reason 4

_**Rainy Days-**  The beauty of rainy days is there is a reason to stay inside. I personally hate going outside unless I have to or it is a day where everything is drenched in rain and water. London is amazing when it is raining. The rain will hide the tears that fall down my face when I think about me and my life. Rain is the only thing that makes sleeping a possibility. Thunderstorms are also nice because I can blame the intense crying that storms bring on because I'm scared, but really my world is crashing. Most of it is my fault. Not Phil's or my parents. I think Phil is thinking of moving out. I really don't blame him. I am a mess that never does his job or clean the house. He told me today he wasn't mad at me and  that he understands, which is impossible. I am hideous and fat. No one could like me. I want to leave this Phil alone, but I'm a selfish asshole and want to keep him to myself. I feel really bad about it though. Sometimes I think about leaving, but he always seems to find a reason I need to stay. I honestly love him. I'm so stupid to think that he would want me. I really can't that storms enough for letting me cuddle with him. I am "scared" of storms and he lets me cuddle with him because it seems to be the only thing that "calms" me down. I also love to walk the streets when it is raining because then no one asks me question about my face being wet and my hood up. I love the rain because it feels like it is washing away all of my problems, but that just me. So I decided today the reason I am living is because of the tears and the screaming of the clouds. If that wasn't clear then rainy days are the reason. _

 

 

_Dan Howell_


	6. Reason 5

_**Coffee-** As stupid as it sounds coffee is really amazing. You can thank Phil for the addiction I have to it. I love it. The feeling of the coffee going down my throat is the best. The sensation of instant warm feeling throughout my body, YES PLEASE! I used to go to Starbucks everyday. I spent so much money on coffee and it was worth ever minute of it. Sometimes it makes morning worth having. The instant feeling of being awake and warm on a cold day. Sorry this is a short one I just don't have much to say about it. Except coffee keeps me awake and willing for the world._

 

 

_Dan Howell_


End file.
